How to Help Your Autistic Teen Make Friends

"Put yourself out there."

"Friends will come when you least expect it."

If you're a parent of an autistic teenager, you've probably heard all this advice. And if you're like most parents I work with, you've also watched your teen try to follow it—and fail.

Not because they're not trying hard enough. Not because there's something "wrong" with them. But because this advice is useless for autistic teens.

Here's what nobody tells you: Autistic teenagers can absolutely have friends. They just need to learn friendship skills the same way they learned to read or do math—explicitly, step-by-step, with clear instruction.

As a certified PEERS® provider and parent of autistic teens myself, I've seen hundreds of young people go from isolated and lonely to confident and connected. Let me show you what actually works.

Why "Just Be Yourself" Doesn't Work for Autistic Teens

Neurotypical teens learn social skills through osmosis. They watch their peers, they make mistakes, they pick up on subtle cues, and they gradually figure out the unwritten rules of social interaction.

Autistic teens don't learn this way.

They need someone to explicitly teach them things like:

• How to tell if someone wants to keep talking or wants the conversation to end

• What topics are "safe" to bring up and which ones will make peers uncomfortable

• How close to stand to someone

• How to join a group conversation that's already happening

• What to do when you make a social mistake

These are all part of what's called the "hidden curriculum"—the unwritten social rules that neurotypical people pick up naturally but autistic people often miss.

When you tell an autistic teen to "just be yourself," you're essentially saying: "Figure out this incredibly complex system of unwritten rules on your own, through trial and error, while your peers judge you for every mistake."

No wonder so many autistic teens give up on friendships entirely.

The Hidden Curriculum of Friendships

Let me give you an example of what I mean by "hidden curriculum."

Starting a conversation with a peer at school:

What neurotypical teens know instinctively:

• Approach when the person isn't already deep in conversation with someone else

• Make brief eye contact and smile

• Comment on something contextual ("Did you do the math homework?")

• Wait for a response before continuing

• If they give a one-word answer and look away, they're not interested—move on

• If they engage, ask a follow-up question

• Keep the conversation brief unless both people seem enthusiastic

What autistic teens often do (without explicit teaching):

• Approach at the wrong time (interrupting another conversation)

• Launch into their special interest topic without any greeting

• Miss cues that the other person wants to end the conversation

• Stand too close or too far away

• Share too much personal information too quickly

Can you see the gap?

Your autistic teen is trying. But they literally don't see the rules that everyone else seems to follow automatically.

This isn’t them not trying. It's a skill gap.

And skill gaps can be closed with the right instruction.

What Autistic Teens Actually Need to Learn

Here are the concrete skills that research shows make the biggest difference in friendship success for autistic teens:

1. Conversation Skills

• How to start a conversation (the "common interest entry")

• How to keep a conversation going (trading information, asking questions)

• How to end a conversation politely

• How to recover from awkward silences

• How to handle it when you accidentally say something wrong

2. Social Perception

• Reading facial expressions and body language

• Recognising when someone is interested vs. bored vs. uncomfortable

• Understanding context (what's appropriate in different settings)

• Identifying "fake" friendships vs. real ones
  

3. Handling Conflict

• How to handle teasing without escalating

• When to stand up for yourself vs. let something go

• How to disagree with friends without ending the friendship

• How to apologise effectively

4. Making Plans

• How to suggest getting together (without seeming pushy)

• How to follow through on plans

• What to do if plans fall through

• How to be a good host and a good guest

5. Digital Communication

• When to text vs. call vs. talk in person

• How to keep text conversations going

• How often to reach out to friends

• What's appropriate to share on social media

None of these skills are intuitive for autistic teens. But all of them can be taught.

Why Autistic Teens Need Explicit Teaching (Not Just "Exposure")

Some parents think: "If I just get my teen around other kids more, they'll figure it out."

Unfortunately, that's not how it works for most autistic teens.

Unstructured social exposure without coaching often leads to:

• Repeated social failures that increase anxiety

• Bullying or social rejection

• Your teen withdrawing further

• Damaged self-esteem ("I'm bad at making friends")

Structured social skills training with explicit instruction leads to:

• Understanding WHY certain approaches work

• Safe practice with feedback

• Gradual confidence building

• Real-world friendship success
  

Think of it like learning a sport. You wouldn't throw a kid into a basketball game and expect them to figure out the rules by watching. You'd teach them the rules, demonstrate the skills, let them practice, give feedback, and THEN have them play.

Social skills work the same way.

The Role of Practice in Safe Environments

This is where programs like PEERS® make a huge difference.

In a PEERS® group, autistic teens:

• Learn skills explicitly (we literally teach the "rules")

• Practice with peers who are also learning (no judgment for mistakes)

• Get coaching and feedback in real-time

• Complete homework assignments to practice in real life

• Have parents involved to support skill generalisation

It's like having a social skills gym—a place where your teen can make mistakes, ask questions, and build competence before they have to perform in the "real world."

Real Success Story (Anonymous)

One of my teen participants came to our program having never been invited to a birthday party. He spent lunch at school sitting alone, reading. His parents were heartbroken.

After 14 weeks in our PEERS® group:

• He initiated a conversation with a classmate about a shared interest (gaming)

• He was invited to a friend's house for the first time

• He learned how to handle teasing without shutting down

• He organised a group study session and three kids showed up

His mum cried when she told me: "He has friends. Real friends. I never thought I'd see this day."

This isn't a miracle. This is what happens when you teach skills explicitly and give teens a safe place to practice.

What You Can Do Starting Today

Immediate steps you can take at home

1. Stop Saying "Just go and introduce yourself"

Instead, give specific guidance:

• “When you want to join a conversation, try waiting for a pause and then saying something related to what they're talking about."

• “If someone gives you a one-word answer and looks away, that usually means they don't want to talk right now. It's okay to move on."

2. Explicitly Teach What Others Learn Implicitly

Point out social rules you see in action:

• "Did you notice how your cousin asked about my weekend before talking about his? That's called 'trading information'—it keeps conversations balanced."

3. Role-Play Common Scenarios

Practice:

• Starting conversations

• Joining group activities

• Handling disagreements

• Making and responding to invitations
  

4. Find Autism-Friendly Social Opportunities

Look for:

• Interest-based groups (gaming clubs, book clubs, etc.)

• Structured activities with clear rules

• Environments where being "different" is celebrated

5. Consider Evidence-Based Social Skills Training

Programs like PEERS® are specifically designed for autistic teens and have 20+ years of research backing them.

Why Online Delivery Works for Autistic Teens

Many parents worry: "Won't online be less effective than in-person?"

Actually, online is often BETTER for autistic teens because:

• No sensory overwhelm from travel, new environments, or crowded spaces

• Ability to focus on faces without uncomfortable eye contact

• More comfortable asking questions via chat

• Can practice in their own familiar environment

• No anxiety about getting to/from appointments

We've seen incredible results with online PEERS® delivery—often better than in-person because teens are less anxious and more engaged.

Your Next Steps

If you're ready to help your autistic teen build real, lasting friendships:

📥 Download our free guide: 5 Steps to Making and Keeping Friends

📞 Book a free discovery call to learn about our PEERS® programs for autistic teens

The Bottom Line

Your autistic teen CAN have friends. They CAN feel confident in social situations. They CAN navigate the complex world of teen relationships.

They just need someone to teach them the rules that everyone else learned without trying.

And that's exactly what we do.

___________________

About the Author:

Christine O’Leary runs Social Skills Australia, delivering evidence-based PEERS® programs online for teens and young adults with autism and ADHD across Australia. As a certified PEERS® provider and parent of autistic teens, she combines professional expertise with lived experience to help families navigate the journey from isolation to connection.